Darica Paula, 2014

When Love Was Real

posted on Saturday, January 11, 2014 @ 10:37 AM

DISCLAIMER: Repost from an old blog. Dated some time back.

***

I remember catching up with Cesca over tea sometime this month. Along with that memory is another memory in blur - something from my own selfish and isolated universe.

I remember one night of last year when Mom told me a story:

She said, "Jason is not going to get married anymore." I curiously asked, "why?" I thought, aside from the good health being taken away from him, he also lost his self-confidence that pushed him to go through it all. True enough, I was right. But, rooting for something other than this. Months ago, he was diagnosed to have multiple malignant brain tumors. The news that threw an explosion to all of us. And yeah, that same thing broke me down big time. The causes of its emergence were gray in color, even to the doctors who checked on him. He needed to undergo a major operation to take off the big tumors to prevent them from scattering all over. Apart from that, he needed a series of chemotheraphy and radiation sessions to melt out the remaining small tumors. Before the aforementioned sessions, the doctors opted to get some sperms from him for preservation so when he decides to marry in the future, the chance of having a baby is still there. But it seemed like the heavens turned its back on him when the doctors examined his sperm cells and found out that nothing was left alive. That got me speechless. I didn't know how it was to see the world crashing and falling apart before him when he knew he couldn't have little Jasons anymore. I didn't know if he ever felt his life still held a purpose.

Then, he decided not to get married.

Not because he wouldn't be able to produce an offspring and create his very own family, but because he wasn't sure if he'd find somebody who'd live up the life he's destined to embrace. Having heard this from mom, my memories pulled me back when I was still his. The memory has taken my present away from me, leaving me with what I had in the past.

As if we were still fresh.. I'd be very certain on this: I'd be his full-time nurse even if he knew I couldn't; I'd be running back and forth to get his medicines taken on time; I'd put him on my back when he couldn't walk alone; I'd read him good books until he'd fall asleep; I'd prepare his breakfast even before he'd wake up; I'd walk him to the streets and let him feel the sunlight against his skin; I'd go to church everyday with the hope of a miracle; I'd take care of him even if I'd die seeing him hurt; I'd give up my plans of building my own family to be able to be by his side forever; I'd forget all the dreams I have for myself to give way to his survival; I'd trade my passion for his simple joy; I'd accept to grow old by myself even if I had the chance to choose not to; I'd be so much more willing to embrace this lonely and sad life in the name of love if only there was no..

..she.