Darica Paula, 2014

Beyond Multicolors

posted on Saturday, January 11, 2014 @ 11:26 AM

My favorite childhood cartoons have brought me up to the idea of an ideal relationship - where a Prince Charming, riding on a well-described pretty horse, rescues the Princess who screams her heart out for help, from the top of an enormously grand castle. It’s the prince charming running from and fighting against the wildest beasts and fire-blowing dragons yet finish off in a clean slate. I used to think fairytales come only in fixed colors and don’t go beyond four sides of the television. To an innocent kid I was, fairytales end when the show shuts off at 5:30 pm.

I grow up to the belief that such stories only happen on televisions and flips of good books but never do I realize, it can also happen everyday.

Fairy tales aren’t always fancy but it definitely never tells the story short. It can be as grand as naming an island after the princess but it can also be as simple as sharing a good night kiss. It is carefully planned and wonderfully put together on television but it can also be just a humble act of saying “sorry” and mean it. It doesn’t always have lanterns to light the whole realm or, at least, have stars to spark in sky’s dark plate, but there’s always this one thing that illuminates a beautiful gift.

A fairy tale isn’t not just about how the prince beheads the monsters triple his size but more importantly, how the princess steals the key and unlock herself from the dark room, escape and help him. It is knowing one’s weakness and complimenting it with another’s strength. It’s about an act of doing a fair share of contribution to make it work after all. The question isn’t who the lucky recipient is but how often favors are being reciprocated.

To some, fairy tales are just another tale by itself. These tales usually end with words “Happy Ever After” but really, it never dies even after rolling the credits. In fact, it continues perpetually,

if only fairy tales are realized.

Untitled

posted on @ 11:24 AM

Disclaimer: I wrote this on my old blog sometime in 2008. It’s a young reflection on relationships.

***

Sometimes, the most important thing that we get from a relationship is not the guarantee of permanence; but, the lesson that we learn from it when it fails. It’s not how much love we have received; but how much love we have given. It’s not how many tears we shed; but how much laughter we shared. It’s not how many times we are accepted; but how many times we have understood that we are rejected. In the end, it’s not always how much happiness we have because of love; but how much love we have given to make others happy.

Only Time Can Heal

posted on @ 11:22 AM

This time, I am going to break my blog’s mantra of being a happy place. Well, it’s still acceptable to be in pain every once in a while. In fact, there was a line from a book of happiness, which I unfortunately forget the title to quote this from, that says the same thing so just people can appreciate to be happy again.
Anyways, here goes my “stupid” argument. I’ve been hurt. Others see my drama as a non-issue to start with. But, to me, it never was. It doesn’t basically boil down to being lied to but I guess, doing something against my seemingly little favor is a different story. I already had given justifiable disclaimers about what would seriously break my heart into fine pieces. And recently, someone just did it. There came my flaming logic of calling it so unfair.

Just so people know, I have been trying to be the best person I can be at all given circumstances. I make sure I am holding a good balance of emotions and logic at making decisions. I try to seek for
win-win situations to work it best. In short, I. Have. Been. Faithfully. Fair.

And now, this is what I get.

Sorry. If only the intent of saying sorry turned out to be the opportunity cost rather than the choice, things wouldn’t be bitter pills for me to swallow. I hate to remind myself of how painful I had to go through sometime in my life. It reminds me of more than being lied to, more than being cheated..

..it reminds me how I deserve to be left behind. That nobody will end up saying to himself that “she (me) is enough.”

I always go through this phase. And in all fairness, this is the only thing that has not strengthened me over the years. I always find myself beside the mark. It pushes me down the drain, melting all that I have struggled redeeming to be whole again. I have always been insecure for not being physically for someone I see myself marrying in the future. And it sucks to know that that someone finds more pleasure to be with anybody else than me. I sometimes wish, I am part of that someone’s circle so when he needs me, he doesn’t have to call me anymore. Because I am just there. Already.

I hate to soak myself into the idea (and “truth” as I clearly see it) that peole leave me not because I ain’t enough but because somebody else’s there instead.

Now, I am back to turning to Him and ask for a quick pat on my back, at least, for continue dancing even if I have both left feet. I am also in the process of blowing off this pain from my system and convince myself that one day, someone will walk into my life and genuinely say to himself: "She (me) has always been enough.”

..and someone who can seriously tell himself right now, “I am the one she’s talking about.”

Letter To My Future Self

posted on @ 11:20 AM

Dear Future Self,

I know, intrapersonal conversations have been kept confidential between your soul and heart for quite a long time now. Perhaps, a quick online sharing can not be too disclosing on your part.

I know, the very last person whom kept her faith on your dreams with has already given up. Now, you are taking flight on your own, soaring high with your wings half-tested. But, as early as now, I congratulate you for making it through your biggest dream - getting into Unilever again. You have been the most deserving person I know. You have showcased beyond great faith, not only on your dream but also on God and universe. You believe They can’t be wrong, that They can’t disappoint you at any part of the game. You trusted Them with all of what you have and what you’re left behind with. You didn’t listen to people who thought your dream was just too impossible. Instead, you prayed with your fingers perfectly aligned against each other, thanking God for it (even if it’s not there yet by the time I am writing this).

I admire you for being strong, unbeatable when rain pours the hardest. Your strength has become others’ inspiration to pursue that small voices coming from the bottom of their hearts. They have finally decided to brave their own fears and it’s all because of you. They’ll ask you how did you do it and you didn’t have to answer. They knew the answer all along. You just proved them that you’re fighting for a dream life that is a just a day ahead of you.

God and the universe have been so proud of you and thankful for you have never given up on them when They’d understand if you would. Excellent! I can’t be any prouder, too!

You can’t be more deserving of this. Again and may be a million times more, CONGRATULATIONS!

Love,

Present Self

Eigtht

posted on @ 11:15 AM

Mornings have been consistent at waking me up on the wrong side of the bed. To breathe into the reality of writing the very same story on my daily journal has made the point beside the mark. That even if I tear page after page after page, my stories are nonetheless still the same.

So many times have I felt like this before and somehow, it’s kind of disappointing to still feel this way over again. Those times when I say, “Here it goes again” has taken enthusiasm, drive and worst, life out of what I know I love doing. I’m totally clueless on His plans that I’m starting to doubt what lies ahead of me. It is starting to hit me that I am counting hours and days to exist. What hurts is that I am starting to only exist.

I really miss beauty that comes out of the strokes from my face, the magic that I feel when I do marketing, the contentment I usually find within myself at the end of the day and most importantly, the faith that used to be so strong. Those are the things that I completely lack right now and unfortunately, the ones that really matter.

Wherever I am presently is happiness in the making. This is magic that is about to start. This is contentment that is starting to be built. This is the faith that is about to sail against strong storms. And this is my life starting all over again.

Maybe one day, I’ll be the very person I work hard to be.
Maybe one day, I’ll be so much more than thankful.
Maybe one day, these will all make perfect sense.

Yesterday I Turned Twenty Two

posted on @ 11:06 AM

Posted March 31, 2013

Before anything else, I want to apologize for being one of the millions who have been consistently inconsistent at blogging. Yes, I have the luxury of time and keep it rolling into my hands back and forth. But, I haven't been doing something productive or nice, at least, out of it recently. Now, with these words shuffling in my head right now, I think, it's best to finally weave them altogether.

***

Like what everyone knows about yesterday, it's my birthday. 22nd birthday, to clear. And yes, this is one of the years when my age isn't yet humiliating to disclose. Thus, take advantage. For most of you, you know I am young, innocent, and possibly, careless. At some point, I can't disagree because I can't deny it to myself either. Tonight, I'm giving away free access cards to the mind and heart of someone who just turned 22.

Okay, how it is to be 22?

I posted that probing question yet honestly, I myself don't know how to encapsulate all the necessary aspects of my life into this single blog post. Perhaps, there are a lot I need to share right now. Though, some of them, I know I should not.

One year ago, I marched out from college. It felt so liberating that I was already free from my 2 decades worth of intellectual imprisonment. A mandatory call that several times in my life, I wished I could escape from. Yesterday, I turned twenty two - the perfect start to turn tables around. Stepping up, I call it. I never call myself a geek or anything similar to this but, there's this something in me, though I'm not sure of yet, that urges me to pursue further studies some time in the future. Yes, call me crazy if you want to for pushing myself back into the pit. I am fully aware that it's going to be a self-inflicted risk; something, I may blame no one but myself of doing. It's going to be a responsibility. Be it huge or... No, it's going to be huge either way. But, I am pushing through against all odds.

A month of 3rd quarter last year, I landed a job at my dream company. I thought all along that life was going to be ideal, which somehow I comprehended back from college lectures. First week at work and the corporate world, so I say, slapped me hard in the face telling me I was freaking wrong!!! Yes, emphasis on exclamation points. The so-called "real world" was really real. The word "ideal" in my mind just melted out and left me figuring out how to freeze it back again. At the back of my mind, that "real world" wasn't the "real world" I knew back in college. It wasn't what it should be. It's a huge chunk of SHIT! Figuratively speaking, people spit on me as if I was a trash bin. There were people who treated me like I was a non-living thing. They throw me to places I had never been to, all alone; leaving me with nothing in my pockets. How unfair that was? Yesterday, I turned twenty two - the perfect start to finally brave the waves. If before, I allowed people to push me around, this time, it's my time to get up and soar high. I'm going to mold the strength I have into battle shields. I am now my faith's own sword smith, shaping it clean and sharp. Now, I am going to leave for battles well-equipped with the essentials to winning. And I know, after my next battle, I'm going to reign supreme!

Same time frame above, I started earning my own money. From then on, I could support my own personal needs and somehow, set aside something for my future. Thanks to mom for a great job! I believed in the power of savings, aside from the piggy banks I had back then. I knew I can go places by diligently saving money regularly. Yesterday, I turned twenty two - the perfect start to let money work for me. I am going to plant seeds, faithfully water them every single day until they become trees. Those trees will continuously bear fruits for me in seasons, ensuring my financial security intact despite the government's gluttony of money.

All these years, I have been living my life with this concrete spontaneity. To me, whatever floats the boat has always been fine. No issues on that, really. I have lived my life consistent with the lives in my circle. It's adaptation, or may be a bandwagon. It's a puppet show where everyone's stringed onto the wooden sticks. It's where everyone feels safe and sound. And I have thought, people were right. Having lived this life, I realized, this ain't mine. This is no one's, in fact. I have lived in false fate, with all others. Yesterday, I turned twenty two - the perfect start to paint my face red when everyone has painted blue. I'm going to rescue myself from this. I am the oil in the sea. I am going to move in all directions the way I want to. I'm going to fly with my pink wings against the fluffy clouds and not going to be afraid of turbulence. This is the person beyond my skin, my flesh and my bones. I am going to be none other than my real self.

For quite a while, I had been so self-less at giving that I didn't notice myself being emptied slowly. I have loved and lost, which made me loathe love itself. I have ignored it just as it has taken away life from me. At one point, I even tore the pages that spoke love from the books on my hands. It hurt me that's why I hated it back! The pain crept in so deeply that it made breathing a complicated chore. Love drowned me in the middle of nowhere. It stabbed me countless times until I broke down. Every bit of a memory's so lethal that it killed my own person. Even if I ran away. Aversion has been my primary emotion because maybe I bled more than I should have had. Or maybe simply because I have been afraid to love again. Yesterday, I turned twenty two - the perfect start to revive my heart. After all, if love wasn't meant to hurt, what kind of love that'd be? I'm never going to give up on love again even if it fails me over and over and over. I can resort to crying anyway. I'm going to stand up for someone even if I know I am the only one standing. I'm going to stitch back my broken heart and let it heal. I'm going to take that leap of faith at all cost. And most importantly, I'm never going to be afraid to love again like I used to.

I guess, I can call it my fair share. So you, when are you going to turn twenty two?

What Matters Most

posted on @ 11:05 AM

Posted March 24, 2013

Afternoon sun well-set behind the clouds. A good blend of fresh air blowing against our skins. Green grass rooting from the tame ground. 9 young minds - my friends and I. Synergizing to a good conversation. Fresh questions, unfathomable answers.

Decides to throw random yet probing questions. Then, one goes like:
Friend 1: If you'll have a girlfriend, what's the best gift you can ever give her?
Friend 2: Time.

Then, silence wraps around the group. No follow through. One word that seems long and brief enough. And one girl on the side affirms to herself: "the rarest kind of guy still exists." and smiles.